Archive | August, 2010

The Case of Mistaken Identity

30 Aug

Earlier this summer, I learned a lesson the hard way (and when I say hard, I mean, as hard as one can be at 2:30 am after about 15 beers and likely some NFL furnished illict substances); when on a weekend getaway with a large group of friends, discretion is CRUCIAL when it comes to engaging in intimate relations.  Nothing more needs to be said, other than, lesson learned.  Point taken.

I have two annual cabin parties a summer.  The first is the one that provided the aforementioned lesson.  The second one I just returned from.  Also worth noting, for the past year or so, I have had two gentlemen friends who can be counted on in dire circumstances.  Coincidentally, each cabin party includes one of these men.  How convenient.

Anywho, the latest, the Barnes Extravaganza, was a delightful experience.  I was looking forward to some fun in the sun.  And fun in the sun I got.  I was also kind of looking forward to time with gentlemen number 2 (we’ll call him Longbottom), but like I said, I already had some randy cabin fun, and this is a slightly tamer crowd that Cabin Trip 1, so I knew to be patient.  Longbottom and I have been fortunate enough to find empty closets and such in the past, but you never want to push your luck.

On Friday night, I celebrated the cabin weekend with gusto.  Eventually, the time had come for me to retire.  I headed up to my favorite bedroom and was ready to put myself to bed.  (Un)fortunately, I noticed that someone else had set-up camp in my room, but the bed was wide open.  Not long after I put myself to bed, did someone join me in my bed.  Immediately this guest started engaging in classic drunk bed sharing game of footsie/leg rub/hair stroke/etc.  Still passed out/sleeping, I gave back similar gestures, but nothing further happened.  Maybe an hour later, I woke up to get a drink of water.  On my way back to bed, I decided to maybe iniate something more.  Longbottom is never mad about being woken up, and we were at the cabin.  So why not?!  WELL, fortunately, I decided to actually look at my bedmate this time and noticed that it was NOT Longbottom, but instead another gentlemen.  I almost screamed.  Thank God something held me back from engaging in anything more that playful petting and saved me the embarassment of grabbing a lil candy wrapper from my bag and seductively bringing  it back to bed (along with my water, of course).

Though I walked away with no ass, sometimes that’s better than awkward or the wrong ass.  I’ve learned this lesson through trial and error, and though I recommend trying a lot, becareful of the drastic error. 





30 Aug

What does FPM stand for, you ask? Fleshy Pink Man. Let’s start from the beginning. My senior year of college I was a little bit of a slew, but subtly so. The only people who really knew this side of me were my roommates who got the morning after stories after the dudes left. It was fun, I had a blast, all in all senior year of college was incredibly awesome. One of these bachelors I met at my roommate’s boyfriend’s 25th birthday party. We were up in St. Paul at roommate’s BF’s apartment and met his roommates. Big woop- no lookers there. So after a party bus all over tarnation, taking shots out of a plastic handle of cheap vodka (which I never do and cannot even take shots so this tells you how incredibly drunk I was) everyone staggers off the bus back to the apartment.

Flash forward to the morning after- when I wake up in this room with grandma’s wall paper and blue everything everywhere, wearing navy blue mesh shorts and my strapless bra. Apparently I didn’t want to sleep on the hard wood floor (or so I was told by witnesses), so I weaseled my way into borrowing a pair of shorts and snagging the open

just thought I'd throw a lil Mauer pic out there for everyone to drool at...I know I am, especially since i'm NOT hooking up with him and i desperately want to.

spot in FPM’s bed. So I wake up and no one is there, then he comes into the room. I was pretty grossed out- as they say in Jersey Shore, he was FOR SURE a grenade. But, I had a good night’s sleep and comfortable sleepwear so I’m not angry. Turns out he’s a pretty nice guy too- very Minnesotan, overly-obsessed with sports (his claim to fame is playing baseball with Joe Mauer in high school, which I guess is a pretty good claim to fame). But when he’s around other people, he’s a total dick. When he walks away all I could think was “ish- this guys looks like a 40 yr old fleshy pink man” and the nickname was born.

We hung out, hooked up another time and then time passed. Occassionally when we were all out, BAM. We’d “hang out.” So, one lonesome day, V and I decide to have rum and cokes and sit by Lake Harriet. I decide to text FPM, just for kicks. Turns out he’s an incredibly dirty texter, to which I’m immediately appalled. We laugh and V suggests that I play along…which of course I do. So begins a few months of hilarious texting. Some are really bad, some are super entertaining, but the bottom line is, he really wants to “meet up.” I’ve been stringing him along for quite some time and never following through with actually seeing the guy. When it’s the two of us, he’s actually really fun to hang out with, but something about giving in would just wreck the fun part of the game.

The best part of these texts are the random day texts at like 2 PM. I received such a text today- 3:12 PM “When am I going to see you again?” Bahaha I haven’t written back (I actually haven’t written back to the last several) but I’m open to suggestions! This post really has nothing to do with weight, but hilarious nonetheless.

I look forward to sharing more texts from FPM with everyone, and remember to keep it classy.



New Adventure: Ballet.

25 Aug

so graceful!

So while V and I are on this weight loss journey, I got to thinking; why not challenge myself by doing something athletic and fun that I’ve never done before but always wanted to do? With that, I signed up for ballet. That’s right, yours truly will sport a leotard and tights and fly across the room as gracefully as I possibly can.

Ballet and/or dance is something I have always wanted to do. When people ask what I would have done differently in high school (particularly regarding sports since I was grandfathered in to cross country running, cross country skiing and track), I immediately answer either dance or theater. So, I’m really excited that I just went for it, got recommendations of a good school, and signed up for 4 months of hour and a half ballet classes. Welp, here goes nothing.

holy hell this is awful.

One of the biggest questions I had after I signed up was “what do I wear?” At first I was thinking some cute little leotard, skirt and leg warmers like that girl in Step Up. I soon realized that there is no way I could pull something like that off given my size. So then I started google searching. THIS popped up. Let’s hope to GOD I don’t have to wear this. A neon blue unitard with nasty little hood thing AND footies? Sick. I was immediately afraid. But after looking, I think I’ll get a plain black leotard, maybe some pink tights and some simple pink ballet shoes (pointe is next year).

Another thing I’m worried about is flexibility. While V is perfecting her flexibility via yoga,

holy hell, again.

mine is just awful. Hopefully this class will help me be more bendable (always a good thing- wink) and able to move my body in different directions. Doesn’t look like I’ll be able to do anything psycho like this  <– for quite some time. Isn’t that insane? Slash kinda weird? I mean look at her legs! INSANE! BTW check out that dude’s hot ass and muscly arms…yowza.

Anyways, new adventures abound and I’m sure that learning ballet will be quite the experience filled with lots of love and lots of hate, but in the end will be something I’m truly passionate about.

So raise a glass of water and cheers to new adventures and possibilities. Never forget that this one life you have is YOUR life and you can learn something new and wonderful any time you want- no matter what the situation OR your age. Take life by the hands and remember that nothing is impossible!



Part Deux

24 Aug

A, it’s like you read my mind regarding my next post!! HA.

This weekend I’m going up to a friend’s cabin.  I know most diets discourage alcohol.  I get it.  However, if you haven’t guessed yet, alcohol isn’t something that A and I are willing to give up.  But, last week I had a little realization of something I can do to help myself out.

I’m going to digress a little bit.  Mentioning the cabin kind of confuses the train of thought, but A just posted about it, so I had to throw it out there.

Last week, book club was at my old college roommate’s place.  I lived with L freshmen and sophomore year.  She was always skinny and petite, but never overly athletic.  But gradually she has developed great lifestyle skills and made the Vikings Cheerleading team this season.  Around tryout time, she had a defined six-pack.  Shockingly, she gets awkward when I ask her in public to see her stomach, so I haven’t asked since then.  We’ll assume she’s still doing well.  But anyway, for an appetizer, L served a salsa/salad that was mostly fresh vegetables, some spices and a little olive oil.  It was delicious.  For dinner, she had some nice little tossed greens with a balsamic vinagerette and then stuffed red peppers.  The red pepper were a great idea because they were kind of a built-in portion control.  Would I have had more than just my half?  Probably.  But I was satisfied so I stopped there.  I didn’t get hungry later, I just didn’t feel stuffed.  Thanks, L.

So anyway, as this goes back to the cabin, usually the meal/food that I contribute to a cabin weekend is something unhealthy.  Maybe my patented buffalo chicken dip or some spinach dip or french onion dip.  Maybe all three.  And with chips of course.

But this time, I’ve decided to L’s salsa (she can’t come, Los Vikes have a game) and maybe just some veggies?  Or some other snack that is based on natural food and not mayo.

So, will I still drink a small baby in beer?  Probably.  But at least I know that as I drunkenly graze, I will try to help my body a little.

We’ll see how this goes.



Friendly Get-Togethers: Fun? Yes. Easy to stay healthy? Absolutely NOT.

24 Aug

The end of summer/beginning of fall is a time when everyone seems to have those last parties, cabin weekends, all-out nuts Friday nights where the booze flows like wine and the appetizers/party food consists of mostly carbs, sugar and more awful things for your body. So what to do in these situations when you still want to have fun but want to steer clear of the bad food?

my buddy, Mills, just livin' the dream at one of our get-togethers in Lutsen, MN.

It’s extremely difficult to stay focused on eating right when everyone around you is having fun. So how can you say no to the delicious lasagna at 4 AM or the 5th martini of the night when all the girls are having another? Self control? Unfortunately I am lacking in that department. So maybe I take precautions that seem annoying beforehand that help me stay on track during those nights of mayhem.


1) Eat before going out. If you are full, you’ll drink less and be less-inclined to gorge when drunk.

2) Buy/bring your own alcohol. If you are in control of what you drink, you can make sure to count the calories and keep track so you don’t end up having 8 fruity caloric shots.

3) Drink enough to pass out and skip the late night pizza (or if you’re like me, you crave the awful “Tornado Pepper Jack Cheese” taquitos at Super America. So bad, but soooo good).

4) Munch on something salty (nuts) and sweet (raisins) instead of getting candy or something bad. This salty/sweet combo should nip that craving in the bud.

And last but definitely not least:

5) Hook up with someone. Nothing better than having a hot one night stand or hook up to prevent you from eating tons late at night.

friend mayhem: shaving our friend's overly-hairy chest whilst completely intoxicated.

So enjoy those memories with your friends. Imbibe to your heart’s desire, but keep in mind these little suggestions for keeping it real and keeping it tight when inebriation sets in. Hell, maybe don’t drink yourself silly and go for a run the next day? Just a thought- but getting hammered sounds wayyyy more appealing.

And think of it this way: the smarter you are drunk, the more hot hook ups you’ll have drunk! Woot woot!



The Big Weigh-In.

19 Aug

this is how i feel.

So tonight is week 1 of our Weight Watchers weigh-in. While V still has to sign up, this is my first big week. Will I lose anything? I’ve done my best to eat WAY less, choose wise things (except for that extra Manhattan at dinner on Monday…) and stay within my daily point allotment. Working out? This week has been nuts- I’ve only been able to run 2 days this week. NOT my best start to dedication to making my body hot. Next week I begin training and spinning classes 3 days a week- talk about lifestyle change! Hope that whips my flabby ass into shape! Wish me luck tonight- I’ll fill you all in with the results in the AM.



Rule of 25

18 Aug

On my 25th birthday, my dear friend and fellow blogger, A, made a goal for me to have my “magic number” reach 25 in my 25th year. 

Today is A’s 24th birthday.  I know, she’s a baby.  But I’ll throw out there that this year’s birthday goal should be to lose 25 pounds before her 25th year.  And as a show of cameraderie, I’ll have the same goal 🙂

So, happy birthday A!  I look forward to work on both of our birthday goals 😉



don't need candles or cake, just need your body to make... birthday sex. it's the best day of the year.